Good news, I am out of the ICU! I moved around 10 last night. This means less cords trailing from y IV pole, less poking in the middle of the night and more independence. I have also moved on to solid foods and can walk to floor, go the bathroom and generally move about the cabin at my leisure.

Today has been a much better day. I slept a lot in the morning but was awake most of the rest of the day. I had such a good time decorating my walls with part two of cheer. “cut outs”. What a fabulous idea Carolyn and thank you to all of you that not only cut out something from your life for my hospital stay duration but also for the adorable cut outs that fill my wall. It makes it cheerful and colorful and downright joyful to be in here. Add the gorgeous flowers and cards I have received and once again, I find myself overcome with gratitude. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I hung these things. Wondering why I am so fortunate.

Some of you have heard about Tara, a mother of two children like me who was diagnosed with stage IV Colon cancer in November of 2012. She is a friend of a friend and Clia connected with her right after I was diagnosed. Tara told Clia about cheer as well as the power of hugs and I have been following her progress and leaning on her for support every since. Tara’s cancer like mine had spread to her liver and she had the same surgery I just had on the same exact date, in 2013. Tara is cancer free today. Tara lives in Santa Barbara and is very into Paddling. She wrote me on the day after my surgery to tell me that she went out for a paddle and the winds were strong and it was nearly impossible to stand up. Knowing I was in ICU and needing to push my body hard, she made herself overcome the tough waters and stand so she could send healing energy to me. It’s these acts of selflessness and grit that truly inspire me. Thank you Tara for helping me find my way on this journey and for being available to support and help me. There are numerous people that have done this for me in the cancer world and they know who they are. It has been integral to my being able to forge ahead.

It looks like I will be in the hospital until Wednesday at least. My friend Jenny just flew in from Vermont to be with me and we are going to sit down to a nice dinner a la St. Luke’s hospital and Chipotle. Jenny will do some food shopping for me tomorrow so I can get the protein I need without going haywire off my diet.

Aside from the physical fatigue, I feel a bit unsure about what lies ahead. I have conflicting feelings about my cancer. What it’s purpose has been, what to do with the lessons I’ve learned, how to live with the uncertainty this disease brings. I think we got it all out. There is fear in saying that. I know part of this journey for me is not to live in fear. I’ll have to think on this a lot more to find my place of peace and surrender. I am grateful for the opportunity. Today though, I think I just want to feel normal. I am no more capable or strong or motivated than any of you. When we all combine forces, that is when something extraordinary happens.

THAT is worth pondering.

Nite, Nite.
xoxo
Hilary

Here’s the wall – hey Char – it’s like a Wonder Wall.

Goodmorning!
(Not sure if that’s one word or two, so bear with me, this post is sure to be confusing at best!)
I am still in the ICU. From what I understand, my blood isn’t clotting yet the way it’s supposed to and I sm still having some blood loss through the incision where the liver is.
This means lots of monitoring and some infusions of blood and blood clotting agents (don’t make me retrieve the words for those).
I have been a zombie, and have a new understanding for people who have a hard time waking up in the morning. (Like my husband). Lathargic doesn’t begin to define how tired I feel. I can be talking then fall asleep mid-sentence. I guess when 2/3 of your liver is removed and you lose a lot of blood, it’s not surprising.
I would like a vat of water, I’m not allowed to drink. I did drink some yesterday because I didn’t know the rules, and when I asked the nurse for wasted, she kept bringing it. I haven’t eaten anything since Wednesday at 1:00. Not hungry but truly thirsty.
I have been up out of bed to use the loo – there’s one next to my bed. My catheter was taken out yesterday so I was up once an hour, literally to go. This involves unhooking various wires, putting my disco bag (bag containing pain meds around my neck) and a ballerina twirl to the potty so I don’t get caught up in the wires. It’s a vision.
Today I want to walk, I am strong and ready do so but I haven’t gotten permission yet.
Well, I’m ready to sleep again. Thank you to the Anderson’s and the Grants for giving our kids a fun weekend, and to the Dobberfuhl’s for surrogate parenting.
Thank you all for checking in, I thought I’d be more with it at this point! Patience, I know!!
Xoxo
Hilary

Upright and in the chair! That device was not a present from Bong, it’s to make her take deep breaths and expand her lungs once every hour.

Hi all – Charles again

I’m with Hilary in the ICU where we spent last night. There was a little bit of excitement last night post surgery; Hilary’s blood pressure was low which is why the Docs ended up having her transferred to intensive care instead of a regular room. She was feeling pretty lousy, which wasn’t helped by the presence of a very loud, large, angry lady who was also recovering in the post anesthesia recovery unit and making lots of phone calls to complain and yell at her husband about various things. Once in the ICU, Hilary was looking pretty yellow and her hemoglobin dropped. They gave her a couple units of blood and she started to look and feel noticeably better. This morning her pain level is ramping up as is expected, but because her blood pressure and heart rate are now looking good, she can press that pain meds button every 10 mins if needed, so that should be fine. She looks MUCH better this morning!

Dr. Davis and Dr. Curley just came by for rounds. Dr. Curley reiterated that the procedure went “fantastic” and that he did, in fact, say out loud the positive affirmations Hilary asked for before starting. Apparently, she was loopy before they even reached the OR, and doesn’t remember arriving there. We’re big fans of Dr. Curley, he’s got a great manner and fits perfectly with Hilary.

Hilary’s alert and mostly back to herself and they’re letting her have ice chips and sips of water, a huge help. She’s right now getting some more blood to get her platelet count up. Dr. Davis will be back around later in the day to let us know whether she can transfer to a regular room today. I’m pretty confident that she will be able to.

That’s it for now – here’s a pic just taken of the surgery docs…Dr. Curley has the beard, Dr. Davis is the younger one.

Hi all –

Update is that I just talked with Dr. Curley and Hilary’s all done. He said it went great, she’s doing fine, and there was no bleeding and no transfusion needed! He had originally planned to take out the left lobe of her liver and a slice of the right, but when they could see her liver, it was apparent that the 4 tumors were all in the right lobe. Her liver was bit ‘torqued’ (twisted…but this is not a bad thing) so what they had seen on the recent scans didn’t accurately represent where the masses were. So, the procedure was a little different than planned, but it went well. He looked all around the region and took out all detectable cancer. Since the right lobe is bigger, more of her liver is gone (about 2/3) than was expected. But, because the liver regenerates, it will be back in action in no time (6 weeks or so). Amazing medical fact: with a healthy liver, you can remove 80% of it with no problem. He also took out her gall bladder and all the lymph nodes in the area as was planned. Big sigh of relief! I’ll get to see her in about an hour.

She’ll be low energy and tired for a while as the liver grows back, but after about 6 weeks, she should be pretty much fully back in it. We now have loads of tissue to analyze so we will be getting it to various labs which will inform the next steps.

Thank you for all the well wishes, prayers, and checking in today!

Hi all – Charles again,

I want to express, if I possibly can, to all you friends and family how deeply grateful I am for all you have done for us. I’m not sure I have the vocabulary, or if the vocabulary exists, but here goes. I can mark this intense journey for us by a few images that capture the progression well. A few weeks after Hilary was diagnosed in November of last year, there were times I saw her lying in a despondent heap on the floor, with no will to get up, frighteningly thin, and enveloped by what amounted to her biggest fear coming true. This memory is now nearly obliterated by what is our current reality. Hilary did handstands while speaking to a group at Livestrong. She did a handstand this morning in the hotel. She used to run to and from chemo (this fact is what makes her stand out in Dr. Curley, the surgeon’s, mind). She now views her cancer not as a terrifying monster, but as a teacher that will move on once we have learned what we’re supposed to learn. The transformation has been inspiring for me and for many people and I am so, so proud of her. She said this morning that she doesn’t think she has cancer any more and that this surgery is just due diligence. I believe it.

None of this transformation nor the steady shrinking of cancer that has happened since last November would have happened without all of you. You have checked in through all the possible channels to remind us how much we are cared for. You have taken great care of our kids and made them feel safe when we needed it. You have interrupted your lives to fly in and help. You have supplied dinners and treats. You have given countless gifts and you have paid for the things that are pillars for Hilary’s health. You have prayed for us and sent your vibes of goodness at every step of the way. The list goes on and I am overwhelmed thinking about all the things you have done for us. This cancer is on the way out. I am grateful for Gemzar and Cisplatin (her chemo) and how well Hilary responded, but I truly believe that what has been more important in reversing the direction of cancer has been the fabric of love and support that you have created and wrapped around us. That is what she has truly responded to.

For that, I thank you with all my heart.

Love,
Charles

Hi all – this is Charles – I’ll be posting updates today as I get news. I’m in the waiting room at St. Luke’s now. The crew wheeled Hilary off to the operating room about 30 mins ago. She’s nervous (as am I), but in good spirits and genuinely glad that we are at this step, that surgery is really happening, and that cancer will be cut out today. Her docs, both the surgeon and anesthesiologist, are good peeps and inspire confidence. On top of that there have been several good omens thus far:
*One of the nurses who was prepping Hilary is named “Bong”. No further elaboration needed.
*The anesthesiologist lived in DC for a while, making him my DC homeboy.
*Probably most important, her surgery crew had a practice swing this morning. Apparently they did the exact same procedure on a 44 year old woman. No first tee jitters today!

Much more to come…thank you all for your love and support!

Waiting!
It doesn’t look like it will be an 11:00 start!

We are in the car on our way to Houston, with some groovy 70’s tunes. I have consumed my pre-op medications and haven’t eaten since 1:00. I’m ready!!

All of your calls, emails, texts, personal visits and cards have left me once again in such awe. I am feeling all the love, truly. There simply aren’t words to describe the joy in my heart. My cup runneth over, completely.

I finally went to see my dad who looked really great. He had good color and he smiled when he saw me. I sat with him and held his hand and just listened to his breath. I studied his hands, changed now with all the weight he’s lost, but the tips and nails are still the way I remember them. I love his hands. They were nicely squared at the palms and strong but not pudgy. Long strong fingers. I’ve always looked at my hands and thought them to be the female version of my dad’s hands. Charles told me a long time ago he thought my hands were sexy. I liked that he saw them that way. So I got to hold my dad’s hands, be still with him, give him kisses and he in return squeezed my hand to convey to me in his non verbal way that he knew me. That’s all. That’s what happened today with my dad and it’s what I needed before walking towards this thing I have to do alone. A thing I am grateful he does not understand.

So, surgery is happening tomorrow. Here are the details:
St. Luke’s Hospital in Houston
Surgery begins at 11:00am, I will get there at 9:00am with Charles.
It is supposed to take 2.5 to 3 hours. I will be in the hospital for 5-6 days.

I AM nervous. I AM ready. Let’s get it out. I need to get home to my babies. Please send Charles extra strength as he sits in the waiting room. He will update this blog as soon as he gets news.

I feel like we’re all in a relay race and we’ve been passing the baton around and it’s my turn to run. I’ve got to do my personal best so the entire team can benefit. You’re all with me as I run, embedded in my mind, my heart. All of you make me, me. I am so grateful for all the ways you’re with me. I can’t wait to read what you all have “cut out” for me. I love everything about this cheer and am beyond being able to express how touched I am at all of you losing something along with me. Likely, we’ll all gain something too.

Here’s Carolyn and me with cheer. Thank you dear friend for coming up with this brilliant idea. It brims with goodness.

Thank you Becca for keeping cheer going. It is such a labor of love.

We have just arrived in a Houston! Woot woot.
Game on.

Nite Nite!
Xoxo
Hilary

Hi All,
It’s Dana Valentine, Hilary’s friend writing on her blog. I wonder if anyone has any extra frequent flyer miles they’d be willing to give up? We are trying to get some coverage for Hilary and the kids post surgery and it would be a huge help if we could fly a friend or two out to Austin or Houston. If you have any extra miles that you don’t plan to use, please let me know – THANK YOU!