Today this came in the mail. They are cards created for me by Johanna, a dear childhood friend. Jo – thank you for these beautiful works of art. The photos don’t do them justice. They have texture and sparkle and truly made my heart happy. These gifts from the heart are so powerful. I plan to hang them in my bedroom so I can look at them and think of you and all the wonderful things you wrote in your note to me.

LIGHT COURAGE BIRTH HOPE LOVE

xoxo Hilary

Today was a great day. I felt really good, no foggy chemo brain, back pain kept in check and I got to race around like everyone else does on Christmas Eve day! Normal, that’s how I felt.

Tonight Charles, the kids and I joined Becca, Steven, Henley, Mom and Dad, at St. Martin’s Church for their early service. I had initially said we would plan not to be there, knowing our kids would complain at having to go and wanting an easy, calm night at home. In addition, I didn’t know how I would be feeling today. Mid-day I realized I really did want to go to church, even though we don’t have our own church and we are not a church attending family. I do tend to like Christmas services with the music and singing however today I had different reasons for wanting to attend. For one, I wanted to celebrate and be with my family. Secondly, I have so much to be grateful for and am trying to arrange my life in such a way where I take in what I have, let go of what I don’t need and ask for help as I navigate my new normal. I am learning to ask the Universe, the Divine my higher power for courage and strength so I can heal. Is this God? For some, yes. I am realizing that what I or anyone else calls he/she/it is less important than simply believing there is a greater power that will offer guidance, strength and love. Tonight, I wanted to be in a place where that belief was present.

We shared a pew in this order: my Dad, Mom, Charles, Phin, Charlotte, Henley, Me, Henley again, Becca, oh, there goes Henley, and Steven. Henley was hands down the loudest child in the church and I loved every moment of it. An hour and 15 minutes is an outrageous amount of time for any child to sit and Hen did his very best while big cousins Char and Phin did a masterful job at setting a good example. My dad, as some of you know, loves to sing. He has advanced Alzheimer’s and struggles to complete sentences now. The moment tonight that made me well with emotion was when I looked across to the end of the pew at my dad, who was leaning forward singing every word of the carol and smiling and beaming at Becca and me. I looked right back at him and in that moment I know he knew we are his daughters and his look told me of a thousand times he’s loved us with that prideful smile, and I got to have my dad with me. There really is no greater gift than to have these moments with my dad.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

xoxo Hilary

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support for me through, emails, texts, letters and phone calls. Gifts that have arrived with special significance and words of strength, love and hope for me, all this lifts me up and let’s me know that I will get through this.

Thank you to my amazing sister Becca for posting for me on this site and for all the emails you have sent out on my behalf to keep everyone up to date. I have to tell you all that nobody on this planet has a sister as wonderful as mine. Your ability Bec to take on a million tasks with grace and follow through is mind blowing. You schedule and get me to my appointments, take copious notes, help with my kids, organize my entire life, hold my hand when I’m scared, drop everything when I need you, love me through my darkest moments and oh yeah, you also have your own family to care for. There are no words for the gratitude I feel for all the ways you are holding and loving me.

This entire diagnosis has shocked me to the core. I am baffled still that I, 44 and healthy could possibly have cancer. Thus the journey begins to kick it to the curb and recover. I am a person that feels everything happens for a reason, so whatever the reason for this in my life I will learn, heal and move through this. All of you are integral to my success.

I am not sure yet what kind of posts will come out of me on this. I hope mainly to keep you all informed of my progress.

I had my second treatment on Friday with friends Dana and Paige by my side. Amazing that I get to have these girl friends I have known for most of my life fly in and be with me and my family. They’ve come to appointments with me, organized my kitchen and refrigerator, walked with me, raked leaves, set up patio furniture, made smoothies for me and made me drink them, picked out a wig with me, loved on my children, made Charles happy because he knows I’m happy with them here, done errands, asked questions, cried tears that I am going through this but held me tight saying I will get through it. I have always cherished these deep friendships I have been lucky enough to count on my whole life – Jenny, Dana and Paige – thank you for dropping everything right before Christmas to be with me.

Another huge thank you to my sister-in-law Clia who got me through my first visit at MD Anderson which was no small feat. We saw an angel or two, hugged each person that we came into contact with whether they wanted a hug or not and took in the overwhelming scene as best we could with humor. Clia has also managed to arrange from afar a house cleaner, a private yoga instructor (more on this angel later) and a myriad of other people to help make our lives easier during all of this. Nobody could have managed me at MD Anderson other than Clia that week – Cli, thank you for ALL of it.

The treatments themselves have both gone well so far. The severe back pain has been another story, this I was not counting on. This past week was pretty awful trying to get in under control and there have been some dark days for sure. Mom came and rubbed my feet the other day and fed me 5 bites of lentil soup which was all I could manage between the pain and the loss of appetite. It was not a good scene and I’m sure not easy for you Mom either! Last Thursday Becca and I had a meeting with a nutritionist and I was in so much pain that I spend the entire hour crawling around on the floor moaning and crying. This poor woman took it all in perfect stride. I have quickly come to learn that there are going to be a lot of new normals.

Today was a great day – I went to the mall for 2 hours and shopped for my family, buzzing around feeling excited about Christmas. I had a ton of energy (this could be from the steroid I am on) but whatever, I’ll take it! The pain was under control today and my sweet husband who is of course just as shell shocked as I am got to have a much needed restorative massage by our favorite family masseuse Negeen Mosely, http://www.negeenmosley.com/
(of course Becca organized this and did get one herself too)

I have so much to be grateful for and I will find a way to make this cancer journey part of that. Charles and I live on the best street in Austin – we have the most amazing, loving neighbors who have awed us with their generosity and caring. We have food coming from friends and the kids have had more play dates in the past 3 weeks than they’ve had over the past year thanks to all their sweet friends and parents. Thank you for giving them normalcy and happiness.

I have a PET scan tomorrow so we can see the whole body beautiful. Not a big fan of scans so much, they make me nervous. However, the more information we have the better to tackle this beast so onward I go.

Time for bed.

xoxo
Hilary

Life in the world of cancer is turning out to be quite the roller coaster. Good days, bad days and no warning of what to expect. Jenny Reed (Hilary and Jenny have known each other since 2nd grade at Springside) was here from Vermont for the first Chemo treatment. It was tough to listen to Dr. Fain’s Physician’s Assistant explain all the possible side effects of the drugs, but the 3 of us (Jen, Becca and Hills) headed to the infusion room with MANY bags, such newbies, and Hills settled into her chemo lounge chair. I could write an entire chapter on the infusion experience, but to sum it up it went smoothly and Hills sailed through like a champ. Janet, another “angel”, the nurse who administered the chemo cocktail was wonderful. Ashley Ellison greeted us at TX Oncology with a bag of “chemo cheer” from many friends. Thanks to all of you it was a wonderful surprise. Knowing Jenny and Hilary, there were laughs, my mom stopped in which was great and 7 hours later Hilary was at home to welcome the kids.

Saturday was a good day. Hilary felt good physically and she was able to attend Ballet Austin’s Nutcracker with my Mom and Charlotte. Many thanks to Christi Cueller Lotz for making this happen. It was magical, truly magical.

Sunday was harder. We are still learning the pattern of drug side effects and how best to keep ahead of the pain. The Dobberfuhls and Saltzmans went for the annual horse drawn carriage ride through Hilary and Charles’ neighborhood to see the holiday lights. Even though Hills was in pain, she rallied and we were together all bundled up feeling a bit of holiday cheer.

This week Hilary jumped on the roller coaster of pain. I have to say I was prepared for her to be nauseous and flu-like but pain was not on my radar. Monday night she ended up in the ER due to extreme lower back pain, and Tuesday she was admitted to Seton hospital. Tuesday was rough. Really a kick in the ass. Hilary and I went to the infusion center at TX Oncology at 2pm and the nurses gave her all they had but the drugs were not strong enough. Dr. Fain gave her the option to go to the hospital to get the pain under control and off she went. The pain med, Dilaudid, finally did the trick. The cause of the pain is not exactly known but most likely a combination of the tumor, effects from the chemo drug Cisplatin, and the fact that all the drugs she has to take are constipating.  Today her pain was much better. She went home from the hospital this evening and has a pain “patch” that lasts 3-5 days to keep the pain at bay.

Tomorrow she starts yoga with a woman that Clia found and I have a really good feeling about. We also have an appointment with a nutritionist that we hope will work in conjunction with what we are learning from Dr. Luepnitz. Besides the pain, lack of appetite and knowing what to eat is one of the biggest challenges.

Dana Valentine and Paige Reynolds (old friends from Springside) arrive from Vermont to be here for Hilary for the next chemo round on Friday. This next round is only the drug Gemzar  (last round was Gemzar + Cisplatin) so we are hoping the side effects are more tolerable.

All of you that continue to help with juggling kid pick-ups and prescription runs and all the last minute help I cannot thank you enough. Your time, generosity, and willingness to help is truly a blessing.

I leave you with a visual, Hilary doing lunges in her “hospital socks” and IV trailing, up and down the halls of the 7th floor of Seton Hospital last night.

– becca

From Jenny Reed – Today was Hils first treatment at Dr Fain’s. She was in great hands and had wonderful, loving nurses helping her along. Hills had a great attitude and is ready to fight. She has her next treatment on the 20th.  Dana and Paige are headed down on Thursday to be with her. The beginning of Hills second round will be at the start of January.. no date yet.