First of all, a very happy 75th Birthday to my Mom! We had a great celebration at Becca and Steven’s house with yummy healthy food for dinner followed by some yummy unhealthy cupcakes!

There are a few others celebrating today too – Happy Birthday Eliza and Susu!!

Alas, as usual I am writing at the end of the day when I am half asleep. I wanted to get an update out as I know many of you are waiting on the results of my other scans and my meeting with surgeon Dr. Curley. The scans (MRI and CT) looked good. No new areas of growth and the 4 tumors in my liver have shrunk more since June. I learned today that I have 2 tumors on the left lobe of my liver and two on my right. Evie Stevie. I thought I had more tumors than that so imagine my delight at there only being 4! This by the way is not new information, just information that I somehow failed to remember. The lymph nodes appeared to be normal in size.

For all of you doing the she’s cured jig after that PET scan last week, hold your stompers. Dr. Curely was unfazed by the PET and said he expected it to look like it did because chemo is still suppressing the metabolic activity. hmmm. I thought the last 6 weeks off of treatment was enough time to get a good read on the PET. Apparently it’s not. This is not to say those PET results were meaningless. It’s more to say that a surgeon probably doesn’t rely on scans that can’t measure things on a microscopic level when he can get far better information after he carves it out of you and gets it looked at by a pathologist. So, that’s what we’re going to do. Surgery has been set for next week. Thursday, September 25 we’re going for total removal of cancer. I will be bidding farewell to my gallbladder (no future gallstones for this chick), the entire left lobe of my liver (in previous posts I wrote the right side. This is wrong, you shouldn’t believe everything you read), the 2 tumors on the right side of the liver will be treated to microwave ablation (ie burning it out) and all the lymph nodes in my abdomen that have shown cancer will take a hike, about 20-30 of them.

Surgery will be done at St. Luke’s hospital in Houston and I will be there for about 5-6 days. Recovery is about 6 weeks. That’s how long it takes my liver to regenerate, crazy right? I can’t drive for 3 weeks and I can’t lift, push or pull anything more than 10 pounds so I don’t disturb the sutures. I am not the best patient in the sense that I don’t like people waiting on me – this is where my sister and I differ greatly. The lifting and no driving thing will be tough for me. As I recover, walking will be good for me as will frequent naps. The whole regenerating your liver thing apparently zaps your energy, go figure!

How do I feel about all this? I feel good. I wanted to get to surgery despite being told it would never be an option and here we are. I am savoring this goal knowing it’s been hard won by me and by all of you. Do I wish that PET meant I was cancer-free? Yup, I do. Yet I did know that’s not what it meant. It did mean that I am doing really well and we are on the right track to being cancer-free. I told Becca back in February or March that I was going to be cancer-free by Christmas. She looked at me like, well..let’s not get ahead of yourself, but it’s a good goal. I stand by my plan and I’m that much closer to it.

I had a beautiful cheer for my trip yesterday to Houston organized by my college friend Heather and participation from many of you. Ham – thank you for that beautiful book full of quotes you organized. I loved every word of it and every beautiful page. I showed it to Becca tonight and she smiled and said how creative it was and how fun it is to watch each cheer leader make each and every cheer so special with their own touches. It’s true. It’s like a gift, inside a gift inside a gift. Each effort is so deeply appreciated by me. Thank you to all of you that made this one so wonderful.

It’s time for me to go to bed. Sweet dreams.

xoxo Hilary

A friend just posted this on her Facebook page and it really spoke to me:
From the Hands Free Mama Blog – by Rachel Macy Stafford

Today I Lived and You Did Too

Today I was awakened by the sound of shuffling feet.
It was my early-bird riser in her big sister’s pajamas that drug across the floor.
I wanted to pull the covers over my head and feign sleep.
But instead I got up and made toaster waffles that she said tasted “divine.”
She kissed me with syrupy sweet lips.
Getting up wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today she lost her shoes for the 37th time in two weeks.
It was right before we needed to head out the door.
I wanted to scream, to scold, to throw my hands in the air.
But instead I held her. I held her. My shoeless girl.
Together we found them wet with dew in the backyard and she whispered, “Sorry, I am forgetful, Mama.”
Being calm wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today the birds chirped noisily through the open back door.
Their cheerful chatter seemed to accentuate the deadlines, the laundry, the mess piled up around me.
I wanted to slam the door and silence the temptation; there was so much to do.
But instead I put on my running shoes and my favorite hat.
With each step, I got closer to what mattered and farther from what didn’t.
Letting go wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today I stood in front of the mirror sizing myself up.
It was apparent that stress and lack of sleep had left their mark.
I wanted to dissect each wrinkle, pinch each layer of soft skin
But instead I looked away and said, “Not today. Only love today.”
Loving myself wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today I threw together a simple dinner and scooped it onto the plate.
It looked pathetic and unappealing.
I wanted to question my worthiness based on my cooking skills.
But instead I hollered, “Let’s eat outside on the porch! Everything tastes better outside.”
Offering myself grace wasn’t my first response. But I did it.
Today I lived.

Today I was on a mission to tuck my child into bed as quickly as possible.
It had been a tiring day, and I just wanted to be alone.
She asked if she could listen to my heartbeat.
Reluctantly, I lay down beside her and she drew her head to my chest.
“We have the same heartbeat,” she announced.
“How do you know?” I asked expecting some child-like reasoning, but instead her poignant response brought me to my knees.

“Because you are my mom.”

And there it was. My confirmation.

To choose to stay when I want to retreat.
To choose to forgive when I want to condemn.
To choose to love when I want to attack.
To choose to hope when I want to doubt.
To choose to stand when I want to fall.

Today I lived.
It wasn’t my first response.
But I share the same heartbeat with two precious souls.
And that’s enough to get me through the day.

I will choose to live again tomorrow.

“Today is a good day” that’s how PA and friend Katharine Lord started out the phone call to me this morning. Followed by, your PET scan is all clear. WHAT?!! I am incredulous really at this news as it was not what I expected. I was expecting good news, as in the cancer is localized to the liver or something like that but not at all did I think there would be no metabolic activity. No detectable cancer.

WOW. I have been trying to take that in all day. What does it mean? I’m not entirely sure yet. I will go to Houston (Baylor) on Monday the 15th to get the CT and MRI scan and then meet with surgeon Dr. Curley on Tuesday to discuss surgery. I am assuming he will still want to do surgery. Let’s get whatever we can out, right?

Really I have no idea what is going on. I am sort of in shock and thinking well this is really lovey. I am feeling like I am not in the clear yet BUT I am a whole lot closer.

I KNOW all of you have been a huge part of my success so far. Your prayers, light, and LOVE have been swirling around me. Thank you for holding me with such grace and please don’t let go, I still need you.

I am happy, really happy. I know this day is a sad one for so many people and it is synonymous with loss. It is a day that changed so many lives in a negative way. I am so grateful that I can look at this day with different eyes and see a loss (cancer) that has changed a life (mine) in a positive way.

I think I need to sit with all this and reflect some more on what it all means. As I do this I will have a smile on my face because today is a good day.

Nite Nite,
xoxo
Hilary

Hi Everyone,
It has been too long once again. I am keeping it brief as I am truly exhausted and my bed is practically chasing after me begging me to lie down.

This next request feels a little bit like those prayers you send up when you are in a real bind and really need help like pronto, however I’m going to put it out there anyway. I have a PET scan tomorrow here in Austin at roughly 9:30am. I have been off treatment for 6 weeks and now I get the scans the surgeon requested to make sure I am still a candidate for surgery. This means we are hoping everything is stable with no new areas of cancer. The wait for this has been really tough for me, especially the last week or so. So please keep me in your prayers tomorrow, send light, love, energy, and chi my way. I will not know the results until Thursday and will keep you posted on what I find out. I go to Houston next Monday the 15th for an MRI and CT scan then meet with the surgeon, Dr. Curley on the 16th so he can go over all the scan results and hopefully set a date for surgery.

In an effort to trick my body into relaxing today I did something new. I went and floated in a floatation tank filled with salt water. You float on your back and experience a zero gravity feeling. It’s quite trippy really. I was so tired today from staying up too late last night and waking up too early that I was sort of already in an altered state of consciousness. Once in the tank I even forgot to be mildly freaked out that I was floating in an egg filled with water with a closed lid that made me feel like I was in a coffin (a brief thought I had). A true testament to my exhaustion or the powers of relaxation the tank provides, I fell fast asleep in my little pod for an hour. When I woke up I was a little confused about my surrounding and where I was exactly with respect to the exit hatch. I was told one hour of sleep in the tank is the equivalent to 3 hours of sleep in a bed. Really? OK, I’ll buy it. The jury is still out for me if this is a worthwhile method for relaxing but there’s one other place in Austin that does this so I’m going to try it there too. I have a feeling Charles would love it. I think today I’m just a wee bit cynical so may not be the best judge of anything.

I am truly excited to get this show on the road, get surgery and move though, up over and onward. I am pretty scared deep down that the scans will reveal something new but I think the reality that is what always happens around scan time.

I miss all my people, summer has been grand, truly but getting back to routine and connecting with friends here is really good for me. I miss chemo a bit if the truth be told because it was such a fun social event and I got so many visitors. I think I got a little used to all that 🙂 I am extremely happy that Shahnaz is back in our kitchen once a week after not being here the past 2 months. She is taking care of me in so many ways though her knowledge about food as medicine and her physical presence in our home is it’s own kind of medicine for me. Upma is back from India and she and I have been back to work in her yoga studio. Being back in the studio for the first time 2 weeks ago was a sort of out of body experience for me. Much like Shahnaz, Upma has taken such good care of me and knows what I need both physically and spiritually. Her studio, her presence is my church and yoga is our prayer. Not having these things in place this summer really made me realize that these women are holding me and designing a path to wellness that is just for me. I am truly, knees on the floor grateful for how they are loving me through all of this and sharing so much of their wisdom and themselves with me.

I was challenged by a friend to do the Facebook 7 days of gratitude challenge and I have really enjoyed it. Charles and I do gratitude’s most days but I don’t usually write them down so that’s been a great new element for me.

I have hit the wall officially now and must get to sleep.

Nite, nite.
xoxo Hilary

Happy back to school, summer is over, and time to get back on the cheer bandwagon! Hilary has spent the last 5 weeks “off chemo” in preparation for a pre-surgery scan on Sept 15th and hopefully surgery in late Sept/early Oct. She will meet with her surgeon on Sept 16th to find out the results of the scan and his recommendation regarding surgery. The “off chemo” period is required so the surgeon can see how Hilary’s body reacts without the “mask” of chemo. I’m feeling really good about her body remaining strong and healthy during this “off” time, but we just have to wait and see what the scans reveal.

To give Hills a boost and show some support, we are doing a short, sorry last minute, cheer for her to have on scan day. Heather DiPaolo, a Marietta College friend, is leading the cheer and her theme is “Quote It.” She would like folks to send their most inspirational quotes (taken from spiritual sources, famous authors/philosophers or even favorite songs) and then she will combine it all into a book to present to Hills on scan day. Heather is out of town, so we have to do this a bit ahead of time.

Please email your quotes to Heather DiPaolo – 

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