Good news, I am out of the ICU! I moved around 10 last night. This means less cords trailing from y IV pole, less poking in the middle of the night and more independence. I have also moved on to solid foods and can walk to floor, go the bathroom and generally move about the cabin at my leisure.
Today has been a much better day. I slept a lot in the morning but was awake most of the rest of the day. I had such a good time decorating my walls with part two of cheer. “cut outs”. What a fabulous idea Carolyn and thank you to all of you that not only cut out something from your life for my hospital stay duration but also for the adorable cut outs that fill my wall. It makes it cheerful and colorful and downright joyful to be in here. Add the gorgeous flowers and cards I have received and once again, I find myself overcome with gratitude. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I hung these things. Wondering why I am so fortunate.
Some of you have heard about Tara, a mother of two children like me who was diagnosed with stage IV Colon cancer in November of 2012. She is a friend of a friend and Clia connected with her right after I was diagnosed. Tara told Clia about cheer as well as the power of hugs and I have been following her progress and leaning on her for support every since. Tara’s cancer like mine had spread to her liver and she had the same surgery I just had on the same exact date, in 2013. Tara is cancer free today. Tara lives in Santa Barbara and is very into Paddling. She wrote me on the day after my surgery to tell me that she went out for a paddle and the winds were strong and it was nearly impossible to stand up. Knowing I was in ICU and needing to push my body hard, she made herself overcome the tough waters and stand so she could send healing energy to me. It’s these acts of selflessness and grit that truly inspire me. Thank you Tara for helping me find my way on this journey and for being available to support and help me. There are numerous people that have done this for me in the cancer world and they know who they are. It has been integral to my being able to forge ahead.
It looks like I will be in the hospital until Wednesday at least. My friend Jenny just flew in from Vermont to be with me and we are going to sit down to a nice dinner a la St. Luke’s hospital and Chipotle. Jenny will do some food shopping for me tomorrow so I can get the protein I need without going haywire off my diet.
Aside from the physical fatigue, I feel a bit unsure about what lies ahead. I have conflicting feelings about my cancer. What it’s purpose has been, what to do with the lessons I’ve learned, how to live with the uncertainty this disease brings. I think we got it all out. There is fear in saying that. I know part of this journey for me is not to live in fear. I’ll have to think on this a lot more to find my place of peace and surrender. I am grateful for the opportunity. Today though, I think I just want to feel normal. I am no more capable or strong or motivated than any of you. When we all combine forces, that is when something extraordinary happens.
THAT is worth pondering.
Nite, Nite.
xoxo
Hilary
Here’s the wall – hey Char – it’s like a Wonder Wall.
