Hello!
I am sorry for the delay in posting since the PET scan last week. I needed some time to wait for some answers, sit with some answers, wait for more answers then process those answers. I know, you would like some answers too, so here goes.

The PET I had done at MDA last week came up clean. This means there was no detectable cancer that the scan could pick up. Dr. Javle called to give me those results and then followed this information up with a, “I’ll see you in 3 months for scans.” “WAIT!! a minute please” says I who needed way more information. “What does this mean?” “Oh,” says Dr. Javle, “it means we can’t see anything right now but in time we could.” So needing to further clarify things for myself I say to him “it sounds to me like you think I still have cancer but we just can’t see it yet.” His reply is that yes, he does think I still have cancer on a microscopic level. Then he says, “But, I didn’t think you would ever have surgery and you did so maybe it won’t come back.” The door left open. He doesn’t know. He then says he’ll see me in 3 months for scans. “WAIT!! I say again, what about more chemo?” He had said in my appointment two weeks ago that no matter what the PET scan said, I would do 4 more months of chemo. “No more chemo” he says, “you have already had lots of chemo (12 rounds) and I don’t think chemo would be beneficial now.” Hmmmmm….This change in plans makes me uneasy, because what has changed since last week?? I am not lobbying for more chemo only trying to understand why two weeks ago he thought it was a given I would do more and now it’s off the table. I have been sitting on that for a few days, mulling over what the results of the CT and the PET really mean for me. That conversation happened this past Friday.

Dr. Curley, my surgeon was out of town while the CT and PET had taken place and I really wanted to hear his opinion on what he thought once he saw the CT scan and heard that the PET was clean. He has after all looked inside my body and has seen more liver scans than most people because that is his specialty. Specifically I wanted to know what he thought of the spot on the liver and what he thought about the lymph nodes that were enlarged on the CT scan (enlarged nodes can mean cancer and Dr. Javle didn’t mention the nodes to me when we met 2 weeks ago but when I got the pathology report and read it I noticed these findings). Last night Allison, Dr. Curley’s PA emailed me the following:

Dr. Curley was able to look at the images today. Good news. He feels that that spot that is in the liver is a bile duct that is slightly dilated and not a tumor. And this would make sense as to why nothing lit up on the pet scan. Also, the mention of some of the lymph nodes he feels is likely what we call reactive, meaning not tumor and can be a little inflamed from the surgery and the residual fluid that is still there.

So that is an explanation I can live with, and Cancer FREE by Christmas is actually a reality I may let myself believe. Oh it’s so scary to believe that, yet it seems if I embrace it, that may help me make it so. I am happy, I am scared to be celebratory because we just don’t know. However, that is the bitch of cancer (thank you Katharine for not mincing words) you just don’t know. There are opinions, scans, statistics, etc but really, nobody knows what will happen, and we all know this expands past cancer. So what is my job now? What does my treatment look like now? To me it means ramp up the yoga, meditation, healthy eating, acupuncture, writing, reading, gratitude, and exercising. Now comes that harder part because it’s murky. It’s called living life and doing so with purpose and meaning. Really??! Yes, really. Integrating what we’ve learned into how we do things is one of the hardest things to do. I’m at integration, taking all my knowledge, all my lessons and living them. This is bloody difficult. This is where faith comes in and surrender. Faith in what can be and surrender to what is. This is an anxious person’s nightmare.

I am filled with hope.

(Taken on Thanksgiving day, hiking Bull Creek Trail)

Make it a good day,
xoxo
Hilary

Good Morning,
A brief post – I am headed to Houston today for the day. I have a PET scan at the oh so convenient time of 6:00pm tonight. I have to be at MDA at 3:30 for blood work then check in at 4:30 for the scan. Prior to that I will meet with PA Allison from Baylor who works with my surgeon Dr. Curley to check out a pain I have been having in my abdomen to see if it’s a hernia or not.

This scan should shed light on if that spot Dr. Javle saw on the CT last week is cancer or not. Let’s hope it’s not however I am prepared for the worst. We won’t have answers for a few days.

So this past month has been pretty much of a shit show if you want my honesty. My year anniversary, my dad’s death, a scan that didn’t go like I thought it would and a recovery that hasn’t gone like I thought it would. Adjusting expectations may be a good place for me to start. With the holidays here and all that comes with it, I will give a piece of advice to you (which means I am talking to myself here) – if you’ve found yourself off track, overwhelmed, not meeting your own expectations, take a look at what you are doing day to day and ask yourself if those are all things that need to get done. Then think about one thing a day that you can do for yourself that can make you feel more grounded. A walk, half an hour reading a good book, a yoga class, cooking something you enjoy cooking, an activity with you honey or your kids that would be fun for YOU, meditation, a long phone call to a friend, a thank you note to someone, an act of kindness, write down or say in your head what you are grateful for, anything! Don’t wait until the New Year to get back on the train. Do it now so you can enjoy these holiday weeks. That’s what I’m going to try to do. I seem to be in a bit of a rip tide and I think I’ve been fighting the current way too hard. I think if I surrender to what is, I may just find I can swim to shore.

Make it a good day,
xoxo
Hilary