Well friends, it’s been a very long time. I have stayed away from the blog, wanting to be less in the cancer mind-frame and also feeling nervous that my cancer-free status wouldn’t last. Unfortunately, my nerves turned out to be correct and I am no longer cancer-free. I got scan results back yesterday and the cancer has showed up again. This time it went big with 5 tumors in my liver and many cancerous lymph nodes in my abdomen. I am sad, terrified and pissed off too. I will visit my oncologist in Houston, Dr. Javle on Tuesday to go over treatment plans. I dread that visit, dread that he will look at me with pity and knowing in his eyes that this is bad. I have not found my sea legs yet. I have not found that hope I harnessed so well before. I feel jaded and yet I know I must tune into that voice in my heart that says I will be ok.

I will need chemo for sure. My response to chemo before was very good so I am hoping it will be again. I can’t even really speculate right now what the coming months will entail.

I’m exhausted, my new reality is settling in and I am finding it pretty dark. Give me some time to find the light again. The kids know and have taken it well. We have of course not given them every detail so as not to scare them. Charles is pretty shattered too so please reach out to my husband. He is in need of support although he would never ask for it.

I will give updates as I get them and hopefully find my voice again. I just feel sort of numb at the moment and so very scared I won’t get to see my babies grow up. But see, that’s not acceptable. I need to be here, so I will do all in my power to make it so.

xoxo
Hilary