All done! It was a long day, we got to the hospital at 11:00 and left at 6:00 for a procedure that took less than an hour. Dr. Jaimes (pronounced hi miss) did the procedure. He also did my first liver biopsy. I really like him. He’s calm, confident and has a kind bedside manner. All the staff at St. David’s Medical Center Central were super organized and friendly.

After being prepped in the room, Dr. Jaimes said he couldn’t find the lesions on the liver. Ha ha I thought, that’s because they’re gone! Unfortunately he was able to locate them. I was awake but in twilight with local anesthesia. He needed to take a lot of tissue with two different needle locations in order to get the right amount of tissue. I like to think those tumors were hard to find and biopsy because they are so small. After he finished the last tissue grab I was in some serious pain. I’m talking the kind when you start groaning and saying things in a little gasp y voice like, “help me” and “it really really hurts”. I was not f-ing around, it ranked up there with labor pain but was short lived. The doctor was very apologetic and I know it couldn’t be avoided. Needless to say, there will be no running for 48 hours and I expect tonight may be a little bit difficult to sleep despite some pain meds.

Becca and I were sitting on my couch after she brought me home and were laughing about something Charlotte wrote and I nearly cried it hurt so much to laugh. If you’ve ever broken or bruised a rib, you know what I’m talking about.

Becca the wonder sister took me to the hospital, sat with me until surgery time and picked me up and drove me home. Friend Beth sat with me and bought me food after an all day fast after the procedure. And friends Robyn and Denise took care of our kids all day long. Thank you, thank you for all the help today. What a blessing to have so many helping hands.

I am wondering how meditation will go tomorrow as deep breaths are very painful. I will do my best. Enjoy the holiday weekend. Right now 11 years ago we were high above the city of San Francisco at the Carnelian Room for a beautiful rehearsal dinner given by my parents in law, Charles and Cornelia. It has a panoramic view of the city and the bay but that night it was socked in by fog so you couldn’t see a thing. It didn’t matter because all we needed was inside the walls of that room. There were speeches and moments that night I will always remember and we were surrounded by love. It’s what I’m learning. Look within, there isn’t a thing outside ourselves that can make us happier than what we feel from a strong, calm inner spirit.

When I woke up Thursday morning in Houston to find out the results of the last scan Charles and I were both paralyzed with fear. I started to get tied to an outcome and panic. Then I listened for exactly one minute to Oprah Winfrey’s voice on my Oprah/Chopra meditation. She said everything is made of energy EVERTHING (as she draws out that word) and if you put out to the Universe all your energy towards something, the Universe will rise to meet you. That’s all I heard and in an instant I felt calm and at peace. I realized that whatever the scan said, I would handle it and make a new plan if need be to reach my goal of beating this. I decided I didn’t need to be scared of the next thing because it’s going to happen regardless of what I am scared of. What I CAN do is handle each new piece of information as a guide towards reclaiming my health. Living a life full of anxiety I can’t tell you how joyful I felt with that power. Charles had been in the shower during my little transformation and as he stood in front of me, worried and scared I held his hands facing him with a deranged grin no doubt  and said, “it’s going to be all right no matter what the scan says. We are going to be fine, we’ve got this.” He looked at me like – who came and stole my wife! Needless to say in full disclosure, I did fully wet my pants while walking into MD Anderson that morning, not kidding. I was still nervous, but not scared. I know, TMI but I just have to share these things because if you have to sit for 45 minutes in pee filled jeans and you are 44 and sober, you just have to laugh.

Here I am getting into the car tonight which was a challenge with the pain and laughter combined.

Becca and Beth

Nite nite,
xoxo Hilary

Waiting for biopsy!

Hi Everyone,
A quick update tonight. I heard back from Dr. Javle (MDA Dr.) after he met with an MDA surgeon to see if he thought I was a candidate for surgery at this time and the surgeon said no. This was not a surprise to me but I was peeved that I got a one line email with this news from Javle instead of a phone call so we could discuss it more in depth. I was under the impression there would be a team meeting on this subject including radiologists and apparently this was not the case. Javle and I did get a chance to talk by phone and after pressing him to weigh in with his personal opinion regarding surgery he said he did want me to have surgery to the liver and has set up an appointment for me to get a second opinion with Dr. Steve Curley who is with Baylor Medical Clinic (formerly at MDA). This appointment will happen this coming Tuesday. In the meantime there is another surgeon I want to contact as well so we have several opinions to go from. We have all heard if not said or experienced that you must be your own advocate in health matters and believe me, navigating all this is not for the faint of heart. I am grateful for my somewhat bossy, pushy side because without it I would be far less informed.

The second thing that is in the works is a clinical trial I am trying to qualify for based in Maryland. It’s an Immunotherapy trial and we learned about it from a New York Times article. I am in the process of seeing if I qualify for the trial and there are various hoops to get through before consideration. I did a blood draw today and tomorrow will go in for liver biopsy #3 (ding, ding) so we can send the tissue to the trial people as part of meeting the consideration criteria (don’t ask me what they are looking for in the tissue because I don’t remember but they need a whole bunch of it so another biopsy was in order). While they’re in there fishing for tissue in my liver we are also going to send some tissue off to a place that will try to establish the origin of my cancer. We are assuming it is bile duct cancer but if we can determine with certainty where it originated that will help me on the clinical trial front since trials are created with certain criteria including that all participants have the same type of cancer.
Here is the New York Times article if you are interested:

And the abstract (Thank you cousin Jennifer)
http://www.sciencemag.org/content/344/6184/641.abstract

In other news my kids got out of school today, they had a fantastic year and we are looking forward to the lazy days of summer. I can’t imagine this year without the amazing support of Phin and Charlotte’s teachers. I have such gratitude to them for the way they loved and cared for our kids and took extra time and energy to ensure they were navigating their days with ease and comfort. I could weep thinking about they joy and peace of mind it gave me knowing Phin and Charlotte got to go to school each day and just be kids.

We are all also eagerly awaiting the arrival of baby boy Dobberfuhl any day now. The due date is May 28. I can’t wait to get my hands on that baby, those that know me well know how I adore babies. I learned with the arrival of my nephew Henley that the beauty of being an aunt is that when they cry as newborns your don’t jump out of your skin like a wild animal trying to protect your young. That cry just rolls off you as you leisurely saunter over to the baby to see what may be bothering him or even chuckle to yourself at how cute he looks with his face all scrunched up. No getting your panties in a wad, stressed out that you must immediately stop the baby from crying lest you either toss it across the room or dissolve on the floor in tears of exhaustion. Yes, being an Auntie is a role I absolutely cherish. Bring it baby D – we’re ready for you! And I’m sure Eileen who is carrying baby D is also ready for him to debut. I will keep you informed.

Charles and I will be celebrating our 11th Anniversary this Saturday, May 24. We take turns planning the day, Charles has odd years and I have even. I’ll have to wait to see what’s in store for us! This year feels extra special because of what we are going through. It’s like marriage in technicolor – more vivid and alive and pretty wonderful. I love my man.

Time to toddle off to bed as my father-in-law says.
Nite, nite.
xoxo Hilary

First of all thank you so much to everyone that ponied up for the chemo cheering in the next few months! We still have some spots left in July and August.

Hilary’s next chemo day is Friday, May 30th. Wendy Nakfoor is leading the cheer and her theme is “A Hilary Moment”.

A Hilary Moment
Some of us are new friends and some are old, but we can all write about a moment with Hilary that stands out. When we first met her, when we laughed so hard we almost wet our pants, when we were young and stupid or wise and she inspired us. Hopefully these stories will fill up her chemo day with happy thoughts and memories and the time will go by faster.

Thank you all for participating! xo becca

Good Morning –

We are all basking in the good news from Hilary’s visit this week to MD Anderson. I had a feeling it would be positive but all tumors responding was really amazing.

It’s been 6 months of chemo and the doctor has ordered 3 more months so I need your help to keep Hills up as she embarks on this next chapter of chemo. She truly LOVES the chemo cheer. You all have done such an amazing job in creating thoughtful, funny, meaningful cheers that have made such a difference in her chemo experience. Right now we have MANY open slots for chemo cheer leaders and I need your help. Next friday is open, May 16th is open, May 30th is open and all of June. I know this is a busy time with school ending and summer beginning but it doesn’t have to be a BIG thing. It can be very simple. I can help with ideas. If you are out of town I can help with presentation. The last cheer was lead by Jill Wynne in San Francisco and she put a book together of your submissions and had it fed-exed to Hills and I gave it to her yesterday. Jill thank you so much for leading! We ended up not doing your cheer and are saving for next week in case that slot does not get filled.

Katie Marye came and sat with Hills yesterday since insurance got in the way of chemo happening on April 28th. Katie’s theme was Music and so FUN to see the book she put together and the “mixed tape” with album covers of some great oldies. I left chemo to get Hills some lunch from one of her favorite places, The Steeping Room, and came back to her with a huge smile on her face listening to all the music y’all submitted. Thank you Katie and all who contributed to the Music theme.

If you have an idea but don’t want to lead, send me an email. If you want to sit with Hills and need help with leading send me an email. Sitting with Hills is such a great experience and it can be for a long or short time. Whatever you can give. She loves to have company. Or if you want to do a cheer but can’t sit no problem, just email me – becbrudobb@gmail.com.

Cheers to Date:

Hugs, Angels, Humor, Love, Inspiration, Patience, Selfies, Pay It Forward, Choose Joy, Music, Cultivating Calm and Peace.

Let keep up the Cheer!

xo bec

Hi Everyone,

Well I could write a lot about the last day and a half and keep you on pins and needles or I could cut to the chase. I am going to cut to the chase since good news is hard to keep under wraps.

We met this morning with Dr. Javle at MDA and here is what we learned:
No new growth of cancer
All liver lesions and abdominal lymph nodes (meaning all places they have seen cancer on a scan) have shrunk 25-50% from the last scan in February.
I will stay on my current treatment plan as I am not experiencing any side effects from it.
Dr. Javle will meet with his team in Houston on Monday to review my case to see if I am a candidate for radiation, ablation or surgery to the liver. This is exciting because 3 months ago this was not even a consideration.

We are so grateful and happy with this news and I know that all of your prayers, energy, light and love are a big part of this great news, so thank you for being on team Hilary. I FEEL all the love and positive energy and I love you all for loving us so sweetly.

Yippie. We’re on the right track!!

xoxo Hilary

I do believe in the power of collective prayer so if you’re so inclined- I’m sending this out right before I get on the scan table so we can heal together.

xoxo Hilary

Hi Everyone,

We spent this past weekend on the Texas Coast at Cinnamon Shores with Becca’s family and our friends the Todds. We have come to love this place, this being our second visit and so do our kids. Despite lots of red seaweed – the waves were kind the weather was breezy and sunny except one day and it was relaxing for all except for the Todds whose baby didn’t want to sleep much.

Two weeks ago we spent the week in North Carolina at the Outer Banks with old and dear friends, the Reeds, Valentine/Sarandos’ and the Goldman’s. In addition we got to meet and get to know 3 other wonderful families all from Vermont. What treat it was to be in such a beautiful place, off season where it was mellow and serene. I love most to be by the ocean. It is full of life and energy, light and sound. I feel joy on a cellular level. My energy was really great and this lead me to go on daily runs with some combination of friends, Dana, Jenny and Becca. (not sister Becca), Dana being the catalyst to getting me out there every day. I have not been running and am not in running shape but one day we did 4.5 miles and although the pace was slow, I could do it and it felt like slipping on my former self. For that I am truly grateful. Running while talking to my oldest friends was a luxury I did not take for granted. I have continued to run and did so at Cinnamon Shores on the beach, another treat for me.

Treatments have been off first due to low neutrophils when I couldn’t get the second part of round 6 then due to a change of our insurance and out trip to the North Carolina for the second part of round 7. I finally got part two of round 7 last Thursday, almost a week off schedule. I am due to start round 8 this Friday.

Tomorrow Charles comes with me to Houston – MD Anderson to get scans and meet with Dr. Javle. We leave early tomorrow morning with check in at 10:30 for blood work then check in  for scans at 2:40pm. Thursday morning we’ll meet with Dr. Javle to get the results. Scared? Yup. I am getting a scan of my pelvis, chest and abdomen which is more places than I got scanned last time but this is good because we need to know what’s happening in all those places (says scared Hills to herself). Knowledge is power. If there is one thing I know, it’s that I will not let my fear get in the way of my healing. I very often remind myself this is not a sprint, but a marathon. I can be patient. In fact, in order for me to learn, to grow through this experience, I know I must tread slowly. If you want to send collective prayers and support to me around scan time then plan for around 3:30 Central Time. I will be breathing deeply trying to keep myself from falling into the abyss of worry. I am a seasoned worrier and I am working on letting go of that pattern since it doesn’t serve me well. Fear and worry are companions I no longer want around because they keep me from being present. Charles always says to me when he sees me drifting away in a mental cloud of worry – today, today, today, just be in today. I’ll tell you, today was a good day. I walked with my sister and friend Beth around Town Lake, I meditated with Beth at my house with Deepak and Oprah, I stretched out on the rug with our cat and brushed his fur to thin his coat while he purred,  I watched Henley and Charlotte giggle and chase each other around Becca’s yard with pure delight, I got to see and chat with my mom, I got to sit outside with friends Clayton and Andrew on a perfect Austin evening on their back patio watching our children play outside, and I didn’t have to make dinner for my kids thanks to Becca and Clayton who fed Charlotte and Phin respectively. Thank you ladies.

I think I’ll just bask in the glow of my good day and let the dawn of a new day greet me when it comes. I feel good, really good in my life. I feel happy and hopeful and blessed.

A few pictures from the past few weeks. Once again I have let too much time lapse between posts. I’ll try to improve on this.

Outer Banks

The Adult Crew at the OBX

The Younger Crew

JOY!

My Goddaughter Sophie Reed

Me, Becca, Dana and Jenny

A visit with old and dear friend Henry Harris

Henry, Hilary & Holt – friends since 7th grade visiting from Philly and CO a few weeks ago. So fun to see these boys.

A walk down Henley;s favorite Austin Street – S. Congress

Henley, Becca, Steven, Charles, Hilary, Henry

A shell I found in the Outer Banks

Nite, Nite, sweet dreams as my dad always said to us growing up.

xoxo Hilary

Happy Easter! Hilary had her treatment day 1 (2 drugs) this Friday. All went well. Thank you so much to Lucy Butter who lead the cheer theme of “Choose Joy”.

We (Joanne and Bill Bruce, Hilary, Charles, Phin, Charlotte, Gerry Dobberfuhl and Connie Mack, Becca, Steven and Henley and neighbors Laney and Cooper Bevill and Tracy and Augustus Gartenmann) celebrated yesterday at Hilary and Charles’ with a lovely brunch, made by Shahnaz, and Easter egg hunt complete with confetti and silly string! Dad is out of rehab for his hip, he broke it about a month ago, and celebrated his 80th birthday April 15th. He has definitely slowed down and slept most of the day but nice to have him with us. Hilary and family flew to Hatteras, North Carolina early this morning to spend the week with several families including good friends Dana Valentine and Jenny Nichols Reed. Hilary got the green light to move her day 2 treatment (normally this coming Friday) to Monday, April 28th so they could spend this week relaxing and enjoying old friends on the beach.

The next chemo cheer will be lead by Katie Marye. The theme is “Music” and Katie is really looking forward to putting together a playlist for Hilary. She will put the songs on an iPod Shuffle along with a list of who submitted each song, and any background information you would like to provide on your selection. This is the time to reach way back to your memories of Hilary and music or music of the times, funny stories from way-back, or just a great feel-good song to help get her through her chemo day.

If you can check that your suggested song is available on iTunes would be helpful and please have the song and any stories or words you want to include with the song to Katie by Thursday, April 24th.