Greeting from St. David’s Main. As Becca posted yesterday, I am feeling much better, finally. I woke up at 8:00, showered, dressed and went down to the cafeteria for breakfast. Back in my room I have gotten a report that my bilirubin continues to fall which is good. It’s 5.9 today down from a high of about 8.7.

I have a great view of the frost building and UT Tower here from my hospital room and the beautiful white and yellow flower arrangement my mom brought to me continues to be a bright spot in an otherwise bleak environment.

It’s been 12 days since surgery and I have been in the hospital all those days except last Friday night. Yesterday was the first day I was free from the constant nausea and able to think past my own desperate situation. This experience has been humbling. I have had it easy in the world of cancer, enjoying minimal side effects, good scans, and an overall great quality of life. I am seeing a different side of it and while none of this last experience has been expected or wanted I feel it has been necessary for me to gain knowledge I wouldn’t have otherwise known.

I was sitting here looking out the window and the song “Many Rivers to Cross” by Jimmy Cliff came into my head. I pulled it up on my phone, put my headphones on and listened to it. (Ah technology!) As I listened to it tears rolled down my cheeks. I feel like I have many rivers to cross. Many hurdles to get through. “wandering I am lost”, “it’s only my will that keeps me alive” very much describes how I am feeling. Yet this is not so much a melancholy feeling but more a true breaking down of the spirit with faith that I will come through stronger. I have gone to dark dark places these past two weeks. I have so much healing to do. Like it or not, my life perspective has been altered once again and I have a lot of sorting out to do.

I don’t want to keep going through this yet the rawness of life, the depth of character, the strength of the human spirit are all things you think about when being tested. You realize we float through our days with so little thought and gratitude. We spend energy and money on distractions and forget to pay attention to ourselves and our people. Without health, you are without life. I thought I learned this a year and a half ago, but I’m still trying to get it. All I wanted when I was feeling so bad was open spaces with trees and grass and birds. No noise. No technology. Nothing draining me. I think we all need that.

I have a lot more questions than answers. I am grateful to be feeling a lot better. I have a lot of mending to do but I look forward to finding some peace as I heal.

I am headed home today at last! I am so grateful to Dr. Declan Fleming for picking up the phone when I called him last Saturday night from the ER in Westlake. He has put me in all the right hands here in Austin and given me his world class care as well. Also a big thank you to my brother-in-law Dr. Steven Dobberful for helping me find specialists and interpreting blood work and making sure I was getting everything I needed. I love you Pepe. To all the friends that have made meals, taken Phin and Char, and helped with rides, Thank You, you know who you are.

To my sis who came everyday to hang out, arranged childcare so she could just be with me, thank you. You are other-worldly. To my Mom who has logged in a lot of visiting hours as well, and has had to watch her daughter squirm, thank you for all your steady strength. To my husband who I worried may either have a heart attack or a break down between me, work and the kids, you are always the love of my life. When you look at me there is always love and acceptance weather I’m wrapped in yellow skin or dry heaving over a bowl (just to recount some scenes from the week), you always see me.

All the texts and notes and calls and especially prayers at your churches and with groups have all been received and appreciated.

I’m ready to go home! image
Xoxo
Hilary