Hi Everyone,

A quick update from today’s visit with Dr. Javle at MDA in Houston. My CT scan yesterday looked good in that the liver is regenerated. The fluid in my belly has all gone down which is good. On the less positive front, there was something that showed up on the scan that has yet to be identified. It could be cancer, could be something else. Could be cancer that was missed when I had surgery, could be a new cancerous lesion or could be scar tissue or something else. The plan is for me to go back to Houston next week to get a PET scan and see if it lights up on that type of scan, then have Dr. Javle and Dr. Curley, my surgeon weigh in it, compare it to older scans and what Dr. Curley saw when I was in the OR. If we think it is cancer then we may ablate it, meaning a needle injection of radiation to freeze it, or consider another surgery or see what other options we have. If it’s not cancer I will be relieved. It’s troubling to be sure and much as I want to believe it is not cancer, I am having a hard time not going down the what if path.

Regardless of what it turns out to be, Dr. Javle wants me to do 4 more months of chemo, the same concoction I did before. This I believe is pretty standard practice. This will start soon pending the outcome of the above issue.

So it’s not been a stellar day. Dr. Javle continues to say I am doing well. I think his definition and mine may be different. He thinks I’ve responded well and I’m still alive and kicking so that’s really good. I want to be cancer free by Christmas and stay that way. Really good just isn’t good enough in my book. I am disheartened and feeling pretty sucked dry at the moment. It’s so damn tenuous and it sucks.

Thank you to Kendall, Meredith and Jennifer as well as Becca and Mom for taking care of Phin and Charlotte while we were gone over night. Charlotte came down with something today and has been throwing up all day and night. I didn’t feel great today and last night so hopefully I’m not getting it too.

I’m exhausted. I feel a bit like the testing of my strength is getting a little out of hand. However I know I have much to be grateful for and so I will not whine and instead count my blessings, for which there are many. I hope you count yours too. Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday – no gifts, just being with family or friends, enjoying a meal and focusing on what’s important in our lives. I have such great memories of Thanksgiving with my family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and later including spouses or significant others and the occasional guest at our house. My Grandma Bruce started the tradition in her tiny apartment in Swarthmore, PA with her three children and their families. Then it moved to our house. We did plays and shows many of which we have on video tape. It was serious fun cousin time and the adults got to chat uninterrupted.

Last Thanksgiving was the worst of my life. It was 2 weeks post diagnosis and I was just not making it. We were with close friends and Becca and Steven at the coast which should have been lovely but I was just undone and in shock and truly struggling to get up off the floor. I am not in that same state this year yet I don’t feel the joy that I did in years past.

Tomorrow is another day. I’m going to go to bed soon and will very much try to be in the present tomorrow and put my woes aside. Dad and Aunt Susan (my dad’s sister) we will miss you especially this time of year because you were always at our Thanksgiving table growing up and we love you so.

I have too many friends that lost a parent this year, please say a prayer for the families of:

Sam Nichols
Margie Halford
John Krupes
John O’Donnell
Doc Hopkins
Dick Vanis
Bill Bruce

xoxo
Hilary