Monday. Our morning was SUCH a Monday. Meaning there were tears (Phin’s) yelling (me) lost backpacks (Charlotte) and tired, cranky, generally unhappy vibes flowing through the house (Charles, Hilary, Phin and Charlotte). We had a great weekend. My friend Erin Nichols was in town, there was an overnight with the Dobberfulh’s at the Hyatt Lost Pines, the Casis Carnival, an overnight for Charlotte with friend Molly, gorgeous weather and generally happy faces. It’s just that with all that fun, Monday morning came too soon and routine came clawing through like an uninvited guest.
We found the backpack at our neighbors and I apologized to Phin for yelling while I drove him to school. This is always important but especially so this morning because Phin is the acolyte this week in Chapel and this morning was the first day. You know how it feels when you have to do something new in front of lots of people, you’re nervous and shaky. I wanted to give him a calm morning so we could get to school early and he could feel in control of his world. Instead he had to change his shirt after getting dressed because he had his old one on and it’s picture day today and I wanted him to wear the one that isn’t a size too small with wrinkles embedded. He changed his shirt but then I had to undo every button on it because he missed the first button on the bottom so the top was mismatched button-wise. I normally could care less but you know, it’s picture day and all. Then the backpack drama which I of course turned into a drama when in fact there need not have been any. Charles had moved on past the lost backpack to using Phin’s old lunch box for Charlotte and her old backpack, problem solved. Not so fast, I hate when things are lost, it really makes me cranky and I become obsessed with finding it…now. Poor Charles, he watches as I flap around slamming doors, muttering, being pissy. All the while I am impeding forward progress and getting nothing but more annoyed. I’ll spare you all the details but lucky for everyone in my family I realized the backpack was at our neighbors and I could finally switch gears. Geez. Sorry family. I promise to try to handle those situations with more grace and less venom.
Bless Phin’s sweet little self, he pulled himself together at school after a few hugs and reassurances from me. I stayed to watch him in chapel and as he walked carrying the Cross with classmate Sara holding the banner, he had a wide grin on his face and all the pieces of our fragmented morning fused back together and I felt like I found my balance. In addition, 1st grader Ben Gillham stood in the front of chapel to help celebrate a teacher’s birthday and as we all sang Happy Birthday, Ben enthusiastically conducted the room and took extreme pleasure in the moment. Ben’s dad Wade also has Bile Duct cancer with his journey starting this past summer. Seeing Ben happy and just being his gregarious self up there brought such joy to me because I know he, like my kids is having to manage far more then we parents want them to. Ben happens to have two pretty amazing parents and his joy up there this morning encapsulates all the ways Debra and Wade are holding and protecting their family as they bump through unknown terrain. Please say a prayer for Wade today as he is more than halfway through his 6 weeks of radiation and oral chemo. This is when it gets really hard. You feel lousy and your reserves are down and everything is hard. Please send him strength. Please also keep Debra in your prayers. It is so hard on the spouse. Not knowing exactly how to help, needing to be there for your kids, your job your life and feeling worried about your love. I know Wade is going to come through this and fully heal but today, now is when it’s really tough.
How am I? Good question. Physically, I feel like I am slowly healing. I am still tired a lot. I still have my trusty drain tube. My appointment last Tuesday was rescheduled for tomorrow because the drain tube wasn’t ready to come out. The incision is starting to heal and I am very pleased with how much smaller it is than I thought. Dr. Curley really did a great job. There will of course be a very obvious scar but as Charles says, it’s my battle scar and it’s a testament to what I’ve gone through. How I love that my man looks at things that way. That he doesn’t wince or wistfully morn my scar less abdomen. Just accepts me the way I am, flaws an all.
My mental state is more complex. I have struggled with some old feeling from childhood, an alone, lost sort of feeling. It’s strange and I have tried to trace its origin or at least make sense of its re-occurrence. I’m sure there are lots of reasons for it. I’ve lost part of an organ for one thing. I haven’t been able to hug Charles and lay on his chest in the morning the way I normally do. These small daily things connect us. I am probably feeling a little isolated from a purely physical perspective. I can’t snuggle my kids the same way or pick up my nephews. I am also still recovering while also thinking about trying to gear up for 3-4 more rounds of chemo which I really don’t want to do. Charles would tell me not to think about that yet and he’s right. I think really the hardest part about now is trying to sort out how I want my life to be. I have learned so much through this process and those lessons are important for my healing, my future good health and my happiness. Like so many pivotal experiences in life, it’s hard to keep a grasp on them. You fall back into old patterns and wonder what you really learned in the first place. I have at least 3 more weeks of liver growing and I need to devote more time and energy inward. As my friend Erin said to me this weekend, you give so much Hilary, maybe you need to take some of your own medicine and do less for others and more for yourself. She’s right. This will be a life long balance for me. I’m a helper, it’s what I thrive on. If I don’t take the time to reflect on myself and find my inner calm I will be swept down the current of stress and anxiety I am all too familiar with and I will deny my body and mind the chance to flourish. My friend Molly wrote a great blog entry on this very thing:
http://wwww.molly-carroll.com/blog
I am incredibly grateful to my friend Trevor Price who flew my friend Erin Nichols here from Concord, MA. Erin and her husband Sam are long time friends – I’ve known Sam almost all my life and we spent so many fun years living down the street from one another in San Francisco. They just moved back to the states after spending 6 years in Sydney, Australia. I surprised Erin this summer with a visit with my kids but Charles hadn’t seen her since they left 6 years ago so it was such a treat to finally have them reconnect. I haven’t skipped a beat with Erin even though we didn’t see each other all that time. You know how good friends are, they are such a part of you that time and distance don’t alter your connection. Erin had never been to Texas and she sure did love Austin. If they hadn’t just settled in Concord I would be working on getting them to move here 🙂 Thanks Er for such a fun weekend. We miss you already.
I will leave you with this quote friend Dana Valentine sent to me this morning. It perfectly sums up what I am struggling with right now. How to heal my spirit fully so that my body can follow. Thanks Dans!
xoxo
Hilary