Today was a great day. I felt really good, no foggy chemo brain, back pain kept in check and I got to race around like everyone else does on Christmas Eve day! Normal, that’s how I felt.
Tonight Charles, the kids and I joined Becca, Steven, Henley, Mom and Dad, at St. Martin’s Church for their early service. I had initially said we would plan not to be there, knowing our kids would complain at having to go and wanting an easy, calm night at home. In addition, I didn’t know how I would be feeling today. Mid-day I realized I really did want to go to church, even though we don’t have our own church and we are not a church attending family. I do tend to like Christmas services with the music and singing however today I had different reasons for wanting to attend. For one, I wanted to celebrate and be with my family. Secondly, I have so much to be grateful for and am trying to arrange my life in such a way where I take in what I have, let go of what I don’t need and ask for help as I navigate my new normal. I am learning to ask the Universe, the Divine my higher power for courage and strength so I can heal. Is this God? For some, yes. I am realizing that what I or anyone else calls he/she/it is less important than simply believing there is a greater power that will offer guidance, strength and love. Tonight, I wanted to be in a place where that belief was present.
We shared a pew in this order: my Dad, Mom, Charles, Phin, Charlotte, Henley, Me, Henley again, Becca, oh, there goes Henley, and Steven. Henley was hands down the loudest child in the church and I loved every moment of it. An hour and 15 minutes is an outrageous amount of time for any child to sit and Hen did his very best while big cousins Char and Phin did a masterful job at setting a good example. My dad, as some of you know, loves to sing. He has advanced Alzheimer’s and struggles to complete sentences now. The moment tonight that made me well with emotion was when I looked across to the end of the pew at my dad, who was leaning forward singing every word of the carol and smiling and beaming at Becca and me. I looked right back at him and in that moment I know he knew we are his daughters and his look told me of a thousand times he’s loved us with that prideful smile, and I got to have my dad with me. There really is no greater gift than to have these moments with my dad.
Merry Christmas Everyone.
xoxo Hilary