It’s been a very long time friends and family. I’m sorry for the lack of updating. There have been many times I’ve thought about writing. I’ve had topics and events that I’ve wanted to share but I never was disciplined enough to do it. Looking back on the last post I realize it’s been even longer than I thought since I’ve given a medical update.
I am sitting at my computer right now, sweating buckets (thank you early menopausal hot flashes due to chemo) and feeling lousy to be honest. I’m queasy and about to crawl out of my skin I’m so anxious. Tomorrow is scan day in Houston at Baylor and I’m good and scared. Foolishly I thought this may get easier but I think it has only gotten harder. This is fueled by knowing the last time I went to Baylor for scans in July I got the news that there were more tumors in my liver. Take that experience, match it up with some days of feeling icky and knowing my diet hasn’t been clean enough and I haven’t meditated enough or done yoga or done any of the things that make me feel like I’m ok and that equals BLAH. Blah, blah, blah. I am so over all this. I hate it. I hate that I’m scared, hate that I think about food constantly, hate that this is how my life is. Hate that my bedside table is full of self-help books that are great a lot of the time and make me feel like shit some of the time. I’m just in a hateful mood people.
You know me, never one to sugar-coat. So, this post is happening not because I feel compelled to write but because I need your help. Here are the facts: My last scan on December 15 didn’t show any signs of cancer. Good news. It also showed that the infection in my liver was healing nicely. Good too. That was 3 months ago. The joy and relief of that scan are long ago forgotten (unfortunately) and a clean scan only means it WAS clean. Doesn’t mean diddly-poo for the next one. My reserves are low (clearly) and I haven’t been in a good head-space so I’m just expecting the worst and that’s not good for me or for my body. So here’s where you come in. I need for your prayers, good energy and hopes to focus on seeing me being happy on Tuesday March 22 when I get the results. Please make it positive, whatever you pray hope or see for me. I am struggling to do this for myself so if you all could do that for me, that would be really wonderful.
Thank you.
xoxo Hilary