I just finished reading Kristin Armstrong’s latest article in Tribeza Magazine, a local Austin publication. I have a bit of a girl crush on Kristin through her honest musings about life as a single mother of three. She is the ex-wife of Lance which has nothing to do with who she is today, or maybe it has everything to do with it. Regardless, she is wise and funny and her writing makes me feel like I’ve pulled up a stool at her kitchen counter to sip coffee and catch up.
In “Pet Projects” Kristin goes through all the responsibilities her son would have should she get him the puppy he so desired for his 16th birthday. Despite her efforts to dissuade him, her son Luke is steadfast and the puppy is purchased. True to her word, the puppy is her son’s total responsibility including getting up at night to take him out, crate training him and not leaving the puppy alone for extended periods of time. Pee happens on the carpets, crate training doesn’t go well, Luke misses out on all the fun things a sixteen year old wants to do with his friends and everyone is exhausted. After 10 days Luke realizes he is not able to care for the puppy and they agree to take him back to the breeder who is a personal friend. Kristin shares how much she would like to raise the puppy herself because he’s so darn cute and will grow up to be a really great dog. She knows however she can’t step in that way and save Luke. She draws a parallel between the puppy and a baby saying to him that should he have a baby instead of a puppy, there is no return policy. The lesson it seems is not lost on Luke as he feels parenthood can probably wait until he’s 40.
The story reminds me of when we got a puppy, the summer of 2014. This would be about 6 months after my cancer diagnosis and I was still doing chemo. Charlotte had been wanting a puppy and really, let’s be honest, so did I. Phin and Charles were not really on board. Maisey came into our lives from the shelter and she was truly adorable. I began the crate training process and dutifully took her out several times at night. She was a puppy so of course she wanted to chew everything and she peed and pooped everywhere. I was not willing to let her trash my house so I adopted the leash around my waist method to keep her close when I needed to do things like cook a meal. I spent the majority of my days following her around watching for signs she needed to go out and keeping her little active jaws full of dog toys so the flip flops could be spared.
About three weeks into this new routine, I cracked much like Luke. I realized I was in over my head. Our beloved cat Benjie ceased coming into the house at all which greatly impacted Phin who didn’t want to get a dog in the first place because he was afraid it would drive Benjie away. Charles who clearly did NOT sign on for the dog purchase was tolerating the whole business but wasn’t a willing partner. I was feeling guilty that I brought the puppy into the house without full support from Charles. This meant I didn’t have the luxury of the 2:00 am, “Sweetie, can you please take Maisey out this time, I’m exhausted” tag team deal we had when the kids were little and cried out in the night. I could not afford to be losing sleep, adding more stress to my life and feeling like I should be apologetic to my husband (again, self imposed) while fighting for my life. Truth be told, about 3 days into Maisey’s arrival I saw the writing on the wall and told Charles I should return her to the shelter but in a wave of I’m not sure what, he said we couldn’t do that to the kids (kid really, Phin would have been elated).
Like Kristin I knew this was a great dog, that she would grow up to be all the good things pets can be in our lives. I wanted to push through so we could fast forward to all that greatness. Here’s the thing. I had to put myself and my family first. I was doing chemo, it was summer, my kids were out of school and not spending their days at camp. I was afraid to ask Charles to do anything connected to the puppy not because he would yell or be snippy about it but because I knew that I had brought a level of stress to our family that we could not and really should not be enduring. We were already enduring so much. I had to accept that I would disappoint Charlotte in a way that I could barely handle especially since getting the puppy in the first place felt like a way to give her joy after so much joylessness in our lives.
Luke realized he wasn’t mature enough yet to take on the responsibility of another living thing. In time this would change but right now at 16, it wasn’t attainable. Kristin learned she could either raise a great dog or make a decision that would ultimately help her son assess his capabilities, make sound decisions based on those capabilities and attain his own greatness.
Maisey reminded me that on our journey to greatness we must remember to assess our own limitations so that we have the space and energy to attain greater goals. Am I taking care of myself? Am I tending to my own garden? Are my decisions having a negative or positive impact on those that are closely tied to me? Charlotte in her wise and wonderful ways took the experience of re-homing Maisey with great maturity. I’m not kidding myself, it was really rough for her despite her tough exterior. When she is feeling untethered she occasionally will call from her bed before falling asleep that she misses Maisey. It took me a year to unravel the complexities of that call. Maisey gave us great highs as well as great lows. We got a puppy! Our family is ok, everything is normal. We had to give the puppy away because Mom has cancer. There is a mighty blow in that reality.
Charlotte’s Maisey call is as simple as the complexities of life. She wants the dog back so she can feel the ok-ness of our decision to get a dog. That solid ground under her feet. Charlotte and I have talked about her Maisey call and what it really means to her. We both know it is a call for reassurance that we will get back on solid ground, that we will get to greatness. I have said it 100 times, Maisey was the perfect dog at the wrong time. Just because we want something doesn’t mean we’re ready for it. Maybe we need to tune in to ourselves, to the people around us to assess what we need now. Get our feet planted firmly on the ground, listen to our breath, our hearts and slowly move toward greatness.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and those you are celebrating with today here in the physical world as well as the people who are no longer here but have a seat at your table and in your heart, always.
xoxo Hilary