Hi Everyone,
Well, I am almost 5 weeks out from surgery which is hard to believe, mainly because I don’t feel like I have had 5 weeks of healing. I am not at all where I thought I would be. Go figure, I imagined I would be pretty well healed by now and feeling more normal. That is really far from reality.
I know I haven’t given myself nearly enough down time to properly focus on healing. Now I am trying to do this by shutting off my phone, staying at home while the kids are at school and generally taking it easy. This is truly hard for me, being in the stillness. I am also not very good at prioritizing which means I would rather think of others first and put my own needs further down the list. This is really a bigger lesson for me, one that I have been learning all year throughout this journey. I am a fairly reactionary person and while that can mean I’m flexible and accommodating, it can also mean I am denying myself the opportunity to plan more and get more of what I want and need. So how this relates to my current situation is that I want and need to go inward, to focus on me and what I need to heal and feel strong both emotionally and physically. This means I have to say no to certain things and use my alone time to accomplish my daily goals.
This also means once again, being vulnerable and asking for help and admitting I don’t have everything under control. Ugh. Really? Ok, the truth hurts. I am floundering a bit however I know this is normal and I am not beating myself up about it. Yesterday I went in to see my PA Katharine Lord because my belly looks like I’m about 6 months pregnant by the end of the day. She ran my blood work and checked me out and confirmed what I already knew. I need more protein in my diet. The liver produces albumin and since my liver is still growing albumin production is low. An albumin deficiency causes swelling and edema. That’s because without albumin trapping fluid it tends to leak out of the blood and into the tissues. Albumin is a protein and it provides the body with protein needed to maintain growth and repair tissues. Sooo, protein pounding is now happening.
The second part of my visit with Katharine consisted of a long conversation about where I am mentally. Katharine is a gifted PA, she’s cracker jack at her job. Even more than that though she has become my friend and has gotten to know me very well. She’s always in tune to much more than my medical needs. As we peeled back the layers of my psyche, we landed at this realization: I’m at a critical point in my healing where I am looking ahead to a life that incorporates all the lessons I have learned but I am also looking back at what I have been through and trying to digest and process all of it. It’s a lot.
This is where all of you come in. Katharine reminded me of all the support I have had, and all the ways I have been loved. She suggested I take to this blog and tell you all that I still need your support, your prayers and your love. Drop me a note, an email whatever. Please keep me in your prayers. This is perhaps my strongest healing element. I am not riding the social train right now but I do love to hear from you. This next month is big for me, my birthday (the 2nd) and my 1 year anniversary of when this all began (the 15th). I am very much looking forward to turning a year older. I am not sure how I will feel at the one year mark, I bet a lot of things. I do know that the memory of that evening when I got the call that it was most likely stage IV cancer moves for me like a movie in slow motion. It was awful and I never want to feel that darkness again. I have had so much light since then. As I recover and slow down and feel my limitations I am reminded more of those dark days and I am anxious to banish them forever. I know that before I can do that I have to tune in to the message it’s sending. In order to tune into the message, I have to tune into myself. The root of the word Heal means “to make whole” . Mind, body, spirit – healing of the entire self encompasses all three of those things. I am going to have to be patient as I tend to those 3 elements.
xoxo
Hilary