Hi Everyone!
Happy New Year. Sorry it’s been a while since my last post, thank you Clia for the update you posted to keep people in the know. We had a really awesome visit with family over the break with the Tierney’s (Charles’ sister’s family) and the Saltzman’s, Charles’ parents. The Tierney’s rented our neighbor Jason’s house directly across the street from us (thank you Jason!) and this was truly the best possible set up for lots of family time with bare feet running across frozen pavement and late nights with lots of cousin cuddling. Zoe, Cole and Gigi, my most awesome nieces and nephew happen to be not only wonderful people but are adored and worshiped by Phin and Charlotte in a way that is only possible if you are family. There is no explaining that family bond, it’s just there and it’s magic. And I am so grateful Phin and Charlotte got to have a week of magic, they needed it. For us grown-ups, we had our own kind of magic with Clia and Scott, Cornelia and Charles here we got to be in the family fold that lets us know we are so loved and cherished. Double this with Becca, Steven, Joanne and Bill and we had a kind of safety and security that is beyond words. I love my family and am very blessed.
As Clia mentioned the theme for my last chemo was angels. Clia and I did a lot of crying that day. Not sad tears, just tears of awe and joy, some of sadness I guess but really just taking in all the love and angels that were with us that day. She laughed saying I would look back at that day as the worst chemo day since it was teary but there’s no way I would think that. Having Clia there was a special treat. Let me tell you how the morning started. I woke up and felt really anxious. I also felt weak, which is not a good feeling on chemo day. I like to go in strong. I was in my bed and didn’t want to get out. Charles brought in a protein drink for me. I had a big slug of it and then threw it up 15 minutes later. Nerves, pure nerves. I thought to myself, I can’t do it today, I just can’t. I hid under my covers all morning. I had to be there at 10:20. I spent 3 hours in my bed feeling defeated. 9:50 my phone said. I had to get up, you can’t just not show up to chemo. Something switched on in me and I got out of bed, got dressed and sat at the dining room table and gnawed at a piece of toast Charles made for me. Clia walked in and was surprised to see me up as she was aware that I was having a hard time. We drove to Texas Oncology (which is a 3 minute drive) and walked in and I became, chemo Hilary. This is a persona I have created when I walk through the doors there. I am up, I hug everyone, I smile and I am strong. This just kicks in when I get in there, and luckily it didn’t fail me. We sat and cried and laughed and then Becca and my Mom joined the party and as always, it was fun. Really. The nurse told me there is a one person limit but since it wasn’t crowded she let me have three. I have never had less than three so I guess I am a rule breaker which suits me fine because if you want to beat cancer, you have to be out of the box, right?
We got out of chemo and then had a family dinner with Clia’s family, mine, my parents-in-law and Becca and Steven across the street. I was getting tired and Scott, who never likes to miss an experience, was moving towards the next agenda for the evening – 2 stepping at the Broken Spoke. Steven, also one to never miss an experience was on his feet ready to go. Surprisingly, Clia threw her hat in the ring and said she was in, so of course now Becca is in. Gigi and Zoe were in too. I had not one single thought of going until suddenly I did! I looked at Charles and said, let’s go. I was feeling good, my family was in town and they all wanted to do a Texas thing. Off we went with Charles and Cornelia staying behind to be with Phin and Charlotte, Phin needing the security of family even though there was a sitter watching Henley at our house. (thank you Gran and Granddaddy for being there in that way for him) The Broken Spoke does a class for an hour and then you get to dance with the real folks who know what they’re doing. So we did the class and had lots of giggles then got to dance. Charles and I did this once before and I have to say we did not get it. This time, it clicked. My baby is a very good 2 stepper and we had such a fun night. That girl under the covers in the morning had no idea that she would have such a wonderful day. That’s the thing right now, I’m on a roller coaster that has so many twists and turns. I’m tossed out of the car sometimes and other times I am flying down the hill with my hands up in the air feeling the wind and excitement of it all. I’m learning to ride out the darkness and look for the light. It’s hard work. The dark is black and scary and the lows are pretty darn low. The rise is sweet and light and the light is so kind.
I spent last night at the hospital – I got backed up if you know what I mean. 5 days, no elimination = a trip to the ER. Yesterday was not a good day. Becca and Charles were there with me at home while I tried to unsuccessfully work things out. Becca took me to the ER followed by Charles who relieved her so she could pick up our kids. Then Charles went home and I stayed overnight where things eventually, thankfully got resolved, I will spare you any details.
I did not see Phin and Charlotte at all yesterday. As they were getting ready for school, I was in bed feeling nauseous and unable to participate in the morning routine. Then I went to the ER and spent the night. This morning I was feeling very low. Sad that I missed a day with them, sad that I sort of liked my hospital stay as it’s a reprieve from my everyday life, where I don’t have to measure how my life has changed. I missed a day of eating as I felt too ill to eat yesterday and I need to eat and gain weight, so that made me sad too. My sweet husband called and said all the right things to me as I lay on my hospital bed. Then Becca came to pick me up and greeted me with a hug as I cried into her shoulder. I was just low. Becca hung in there with me, made me eat the yummy food our new cook Shahnaz prepared for me. Irma, who is cleaning for us was there too and she held my hand as I cried on my bed and told me I was strong and I would be ok. Becca urged me to keep the therapy appointment I had made even though I didn’t want to go. I went. It helped. Becca made me walk with her in my neighborhood, it helped, and I felt better. She sat with me, she hugged me, and she talked sweetly and sternly to me. She moved me from the dark into the light today. Not an easy task. Her faith in me gives me strength. Her love for me makes my knees buckle with the weight in the best possible way. I got to greet my husband as he came home with a smile. He hugged me tight when he got home as he always does and I got to receive it because of all of Becca’s hard work with me today. I got to have a good night with my kids because I got pulled from the darkness by my fiercely loyal sister. Thank God for sisters. Thank God for mine.
Tomorrow is another Chemo day. Becca will come sit with me. I will go in strong as that is my will. Kicking this cancer is the hardest thing I will ever do. It has no place in my life so it must go. It is certainly tossing me around a bit but I’m getting wiser.
Time to get to bed my friends, all my love,
Xoxo Hilary
